I’ve never really liked February. January you expect to be long and dark after the Christmas and New Year celebrations. But February, although it leads us a bit further along the path to Spring, has little to recommend it. Damp, dark, depressing.
And this year I seem to have the February Blues worse than ever. Over the last two weeks, I’ve only managed to move Singles in India along by seven pages. Yes, dear Reader, seven pages. It pains me to admit that. I’d written loads but then re-read it and started to edit what I’d written and now I’ve pared it all back and consequently, am only seven pages further ahead than I was two weeks ago. I’m quite depressed about that. And what’s making it worse is that I’ve recently read several books published through publishing houses (as you know I self-publish) which have been just awful – transparent plots, unbelievable characters, poor grammar, contrived dialogue – and yet their authors have been given big fat publishing deals (one of them is a well-known celebrity and being cynical I couldn’t help thinking that that was the only reason she got published). Am I jealous and resentful of that? YOU BET I AM!!
But I know that there’s more to my black mood than that. At the moment I feel as if I’m treading water, waiting for things to happen so that I can get on with my life. I really do believe that things don’t just happen; that you make your own life and your own path, but I’m losing faith at the moment. I have plans that I can’t put into action because of outside circumstances. Grrr!!
And we’ve put Mum’s flat on the market and every time I show someone around I am torn apart with such a mixture of emotions.
And, as often happens with me, I’ve turned to the food for solace and strength. And it gives me neither. So one good thing that I’ve done in the last few days is to go back to meetings. It’s too many years since I was at the last one; I thought I didn’t need to go any more! But at least I’ve taken one positive step towards getting back on track.
But the biggest reason for my February Blues is that it’s the month my dad died. Twenty-two years ago today, in fact. Twenty-two years and yet I feel his loss today as strongly as I did way back in 1991. Perhaps I’ve never really dealt with it. Perhaps I’ve never lost the childish notion that if Dad’s home everything’s okay. Perhaps that’s why my eating’s been out of control and I can’t settle to write. I’ve always said that What’s Eating Me isn’t autobiographical but those of you who have read it can probably see the similarities…
Just putting this down in my blog has been therapeutic. I apologise to you all for wallowing in self-pity and posting such a negative, pessimistic piece but I have to be honest and this is how I feel today.
Tomorrow will be better.
xxxxxxxxx
February is always a hard month, its an in-between time, just out of winter but not yet into Spring, its definately harder for you Elaine having lost your Dad in February, he was a big character, I only met him rarely but remember him vividly, he was the life and soul, a lovely man, full of life, always smiling or laughing. Having recently lost your Mum has probably compounded your blues, I am dreading losing either Mum or Dad, we are so close, as you were to your Mum and Dad, the thought fills me with dread, I can only imagine what you are feeling right now. I totally understand re “treading water”, with control of moving forward and doing what needs to be done being held outside of your control with others. I often wonder how much more I could get done if I took control of the others who hold me in a queue, lol, bags more. You are a great woman, with so much to give and going for you, your books are inspirational and I personally do not put them down from start to finish. Keep on going you will get the “creative juices” flowing in no time. My byline to you from a great fan. xxxxx
P.S. Keep blogging, your posts are great to read.
Elaine what you need is twofold a good scream and shout and to get hold of some old crockery, put on your coat, go out in the garden and smash the living daylights out everyone and everything that has ever pi $$ ed you off recently! Tomorrow is a new day, and I am sure your Dad would like you to remember the good times and humour and not be too sad. If you want to talk or moan just give me a ring. Don’t forget you have a lot of supportive family and friends. June x
Thank you, Joanne, Debbie and June for your posts, all of which led me to have a huge boo hoo and then I felt better! And I also saw an item on the News about Ayesha the young woman who had her ears and nose cut off by the Taliban and who’s making a life for herself in US and then about those who died in the hot air balloon crash in Egypt and had a “Count Your Blessings” moment!
And I then actually completed ten more pages. So THANK YOU for your words and for reading my books and my blog. From the bottom of my heart: THANK YOU. xx